Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
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I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
“The Perfect Relationship”
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I think about this a lot
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?