Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target