Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
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[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Oh boy, $150,000!
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer