Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
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[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now