Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
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*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple