When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
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robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
some things should go without saying
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her: