Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
prepare for carbonated trouble
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
no such thing as a dumb question
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.