I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
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doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?