I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
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if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
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Me: Same.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
who named him groot and not spruce lee
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.