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If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
North and South
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days