BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
You Might Also Like
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.