Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
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I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I’d hang this in my house.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.