I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
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When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
🙁
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
My five year plan is a meteorite
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔