I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
You Might Also Like
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Me too
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder