Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
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I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Just grow your own
A collection of me turning into random objects.