You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
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I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
I would move hell over six inches for you
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.