date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
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stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?