[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
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The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once