Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
You Might Also Like
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide