Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Meow
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
😂🤣😂🤣
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
My support group can outdrink your support group.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no