You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
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I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.