“you recording!?”
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.