[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
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You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Very good! 👍😂
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this