Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
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Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Me irl
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.