[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
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When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.