For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
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Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
*leads a conga line off of a bridge