UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
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My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
KFC hitting the cannibal market
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.