Rich people don’t understand cereal
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Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
eggs benadryl
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon