Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
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Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Breaking news:
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.