boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
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2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.