The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
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Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.