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My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
What
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.