detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
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You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Meow
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
The glory of fall.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao