There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
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the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.