Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.