*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
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Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?