Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
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This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
me and the Superbowl rn
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.