Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
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Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.