9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
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The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I ate everything, including the H.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.