If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
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I only eat vegetarians.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
HR said no more nunchucks.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Phones down.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”