If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
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I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.