Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
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My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.