Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
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Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you