Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
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STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
twitter is a journey
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
why no one uses midhusbands
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!