publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
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Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.