Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
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I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
🤣could you imagine
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.