Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
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*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?