“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
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Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁