HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
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A charcuterie board is just dry soup
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.