Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
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OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…